Male Celebrities

Although I’m reviewing this for a porn site, Male Celebrities could easily be the trashier web version of a gay man’s Us Weekly. Complete with neat little categories: Celebrities, Models, Athletes, Singers, Soap and Television, any viewer is a few double clicks away from 10 years worth of candid “Stars They’re Just Like Us!” pics at their greedy disposal.

Almost every famous face here is clothed from the waist down---looking hot but sort of mundane, just like an In Touch Weekly. In fact, I’d say a good 70% of these photos are hailed from paparazzi outtakes and old magazine photoshoots.

Ok, ok. I’ll be honest. Not ALL the celebrities are fully clothed. Poor Ethan Hawke went skinny-dipping and now we can all trace the outline of his pasty ass with our eyes (not bad, but Ethan’s not my thing). Good, ol’ George Michael, (back when he was young and (cough, cough) straight), proudly let his shlong come out to play in one beachy looking shot. Yawn. This is a massive disappointment. I was hungry and horny for links of Johnny Depp going deep, not a shirtless, teenage Johnny from a Nightmare on Elm Street. I know that was being too idealistic. I know it. But one can dream. Dream that some evil genius with a super-telephoto lens snuck around at all the right times, quickly and quietly justifying the purpose for all shutterbugs around the world.

I wanted Brokeback Mountain, the uncut version, and sneaky snap shots of Heath and Jake nuzzling when the cameras weren’t rolling. I wanted pictures of that gorgeous surfer Kelly Slater waxing his board with a hard on. Instead I got the same douchy guy-with-a-surf-board pose and those tired shirtless Axl Rose photos from 1987 that I jerked off to during sick days in 7th grade. Sigh.

There aren’t even links to Tommy Lee’s Academy Award winning dick or a snippet (I’d settle on even a tease at this point) of Colin Farrel’s raspy, Irish grunts. Instead there are men in the database that are just wrong. Just wrong. Dustin Diamond for starters. That’s not even funny. If you’re jonesing to get your nut off then go ahead and explore the XXX files. I mean, none of the players are celebrities---but if you drink a few scotches, squint and dim the lights---that muscular blond is a dead ringer for Thelma and Louise-era Brad Pitt.