English Lads

Aside from Italians - British men are the biggest teases out there. As a gay man carousing the streets of London, drowning my erection with pint after pint, in dark, dingy pubs, I constantly played the guessing game: “is he, or isn’t he?” After all, even the frighteningly straight wear tight fitting pants and power accessories with more stylish gusto than the average American fag. My travels in London makes the concept of English Lads (almost) believable, which gives into the gay/straight boy fantasy – many, many “straight” lads with steady girlfriends on this site. Any American gay will proclaim “I KNEW IT!” as we watch James and Troy giggle shyly, peal off their designer clothes and jerk each other off.

So, in that way it’s a true guilty American pleasure. The site is relatively easy to navigate and offers both videos and slideshows of prospective masturbatory subjects. There’s a nifty little information box next to each English muffin: cock size, weight, status of pubic hair (shaved, trimmed, wild and musky) straight or gay and even dream celebrity hook up, which just makes you wonder where Tony the fireman went wrong as he butt fucks Donald but really prefers Angelina Jolie.

The scenery in English Lads is almost always a bland looking hotel room and there’s no plot or dialogue other than a quick little intro. As if, (like in most of my trans Atlantic fantasies) these two Cockney dreamboats just couldn’t take it anymore and booked a room somewhere in the English countryside – far, far away from judgment. The sex sometimes flirts with kinky – men wrapping themselves up in black string, for example – but most videos are vanilla oral, circle jerks and anal sex.

The only drawback? Men from the isles can be a mixed bag of the good, bad and the ugly. For every David Beckham there’s an aging Hugh Grant or a less buff Prince Harry. (No. I don’t mean that. I’d give Prince Harry a whirl). Not on this site. There’s not one fugly, freckled ginger or crooked British Smile amongst the bunch. These randy, slabs of beef are pretty consistently gorgeous. Don’t get me wrong – gorgeous is a generic word, way overused on men with their clothes off. It takes more than 8 inches and chiseled abs for me, though. These men all have the upper crust refinement of the type who drink Earl Gray and butter their scones during tea time and then scream words like, “naughty” and “give me a spanking!” during sex. Hot.

One surprise: check out Matt (he’s ranked as one of the site’s top lads, he’s easy to find). This man has the most impressive 12-inch penis I’ve seen this side of Anal Thugs. Who said white boys don’t pack some heat! Unfortunately, it’s just an insipid jerk off scene and his body leaves much to be desired, but it gets the job done.