Chiseled Beef

Something about the men in Chiseled Beef remind me of the Fabio-looking guys on the cover of corny romance novels. Minus, the hair and women of course. They look like dorky men who’ve over done the gym and only have sex in the vain hope they’ll catch a reflection of themselves pumping some guys ass, in one of the hundreds of mirrors hung up.

The script is like something my sister’s Girl Scout troop would have written (do they give merit badges for porn). They sit, campfire style, around a coffee table in a really nice suburban-looking home drinking some kind of orange Shasta beverage. Thank God the dull interludes don’t last too long, although the fucking that follows looks almost robotic. It’s not dirty or passionate. It’s not horny. Maybe the steroids have numbed their sex drive or maybe they’re all hetero out of work actors, in either case, the site has little steam factor.

Actually, something about this porn site, in general oozes Los Angeles. It doesn’t have any of the rough edges of the east coast and although the guys are square enough to be from the Midwest, they’re too Boogie Nights porn star for that. Not amateur enough. However, the bodies remind me of candy bars. Caramel over almonds, bulging asses that just beg you to take a bite out of them, jump sized lollipops.

In one scene five, tanned white guys get together and screw and it reminds me of a very vivid fantasy I had in a gym in LA. A lot of the guys keep their socks on. That’s funny in a dorky way, but not hot. Not hot at all. Oh, and because the videos are so boring the guy taping it tries to do these lame 1980’s tricks, having it fade in and out, having it turn black and white all of sudden, etc, etc. It reminds me of when you got your first camcorder in 1987 and experimented with the fast and slow motion of opening Christmas presents. Thank Jesus there was no slow motion in this porn. It could’ve used a good speed up, though.